Conflict Management Articles
Managing conflict by avoiding 'absolutes'
Recently, as I was queuing in a branch of a major supermarket chain, I overheard the following conversation between a customer and the checkout assistant.
Customer: (handing over her car park ticket for a refund) "Please may I have a refund on that?"
Assistant: "You need the other part of the ticket"
Customer: "But this one has the price on it"
Assistant: "You still need the other part of the ticket"
Customer: "Why? This one has the price on it"
Assistant: "I cannot refund on that part, I still need the other part of the ticket"
Customer: (walking away) "That's crap, you're no help, are you?"
Assistant: (turning to the rest of us) "You cannot please everyone"
The checkout assistant made a correct factual statement (the person did have the wrong part of the ticket - there was no doubt about that). From that point of view the case is closed. However, from a conflict management perspective the interaction was oh so very wrong...
'Absolute' or 'final' sounding statements can be interpreted in many ways by the customer but most are likely to lead to a negative reaction. 'Absolute' statements convey the impression of not being willing to budge, to listen, to compromise or to see the customer's point of view. They should be avoided, particularly early in the conversation before any rapport has had a chance to develop, when the customer is hostile or when the issue is very contentious. If there is no time for rapport building, 'absolute' statements can lead to an immediate standoff:
"I want it"
"You can't have it"
"I want it"
"You can't have it"
This position can lead to aggression and sometimes danger.
Okay, smart a∗∗, I hear you say, how do I avoid taking an 'absolute' position when time is extremely short, and I still have to say 'No' to the customer?
- Ask questions: 'Where is the other part of the ticket?' Questions lead to answers and answers provide information which can be used to build rapport. They also convey to the customer that you are interested in them and their problem.
- Provide options for the customer: 'If you could go and get the other part of the ticket I could...'. Creative options encourage the customer to think rather than react.
- Show empathy: If provided genuinely, empathy goes a long way. 'I know it's a real pain having to get the ticket when you're busy'.
- Watch your timing: As with comedy, timing is everything. If a customer is angry and you say; 'I know it's a real pain having to get your ticket when you're busy BUT that's the policy'. The customer will only 'register' the second section of your sentence. Break the sentence into two parts to ensure the customer actually hears and 'registers' your empathy.
- Don't make it personal: Avoid the 'YOU' word if possible. Rather than 'you need the other part of the ticket', use phrases such as 'the blue part of the ticket is needed to...'.
Rapport can be built in a few sentences but rarely in 'one' absolute sentence. Be flexible, creative, say 'No', if you must, but avoid 'absolute' statements that back a customer into a corner.
What angry customers want
During this current credit crunch the public need their banks and money to be safe (our primary want). In theory then, if our financial institutions are safe, we should all feel satisfied. Unfortunately for the banks, we also have some other, secondary wants that are not being addressed and are causing a lot of disquiet. It would be nice to know for example, who is responsible? Are they going to explain what happened? Are they going to apologise?
The same holds for angry customers; they usually have a primary want (the payment, repair, delivery, or other service). However, if they only stopped being aggressive when they got what they wanted, there would be little opportunity or point in trying to calm them down.
Each one of us has some secondary human needs and wants that if addressed, will help us to relax and view a situation differently. So what else could a customer want apart from the reason for their call or visit?
Primarily angry customers want attention. Unfortunately, because of their poor behaviour we often provide the opposite. When someone is angry with us it's not surprising we can respond by 'closing down', 'going quiet', 'tensing up' and generally being less engaging. To make matters worse this is often perceived by the customer as uncaring, uninterested or obstructive. Although it's often difficult, if we can deal with their frustration levels and give them as much attention as possible, we can reduce the 'heat' in the conflict.
We all like to feel understood by others and when we do we relax a little. This is the same for irate customers. We can sometimes be so preoccupied with trying to explain something to the customer that we forget their need to be listened to fully and understood. Remember, when we are listening completely our views are not important (they can come in later!). Listening fully even for a short time is the most effective approach you can take to calm the customer down.
When customers are angry, they are seeking to have a problem acknowledged. Unfortunately it's human nature that if we do not see it as a major problem, we won't acknowledge it as such. Or worse we see it as a problem for the customer but we still don't acknowledge it. The customer then feels the need to tell us again and again, in an increasingly loud voice to get through to us. So even if you do not have a solution to the problem, it's still beneficial to acknowledge that it is an issue for them.
The 'flashpoint' in a conversation is usually reached when we run out of options for the customer. Providing options or choices encourages the customer to think rather than react. Be creative in providing options that can be exercised now (would you like us to call you back?) or in the future (here is a name and address you may write to).
Whilst we will not always be able to solve the customer's problem, we can remind ourselves of those other 'wants' that also need attention. Taking action on the customers' needs and 'wants' will help reduce the conflict.
Managing unpredictable behaviour
With normal everyday behaviour, we can predict a great deal. We say 'hello' and we expect someone to say 'hello' back. There are many social conventions that all 'normally' behaving people comply with: if I enter a waiting room in which you are already sitting, unless I know you I will sit with at least one empty chair between us; if we are strangers, then I don't expect you to come up and hug me; etc.
Being able to predict gives us a certain measure of control over situations; if we have a fair idea of what is going to happen, then we feel more in control. Herein lies our problem with unpredictable behaviour: we don't feel in control. How can we negotiate with someone if we can't get inside their head? Thus we become embarrassed, or uncomfortable, or unhappy, and ultimately we feel threatened.
If you anticipate that you are likely to meet unpredictable behaviour, then you should certainly be taking whatever precautions you can - as a matter of policy, as often as possible. Thus it should be only in the most exceptional circumstances that staff should be untraceable and unsupportable to the extent that no one knows where they are, when they are likely to return, and what to do if they don't.
Although we know we should not stereotype, we would be foolish if we did not learn the lesson of previous experience with a customer, a family, a neighbourhood or a block of flats. Never ignore any customer's history of upsetting or dangerous behaviour on the grounds that it was a long time ago or that they have promised to turn over a new leaf.
When you become aware that someone is behaving unpredictably, think 'defensively', i.e. think more about yourself and your safety than the job that you are supposed to be doing at the time; go on full alert immediately. If you are wrong or if things settle back to normal, you can then relax and give more attention to the job in hand.
Trust your intuition; it may be the only warning you'll get that something is not quite as it should be. It is certainly difficult to justify your concerns to a superior on the basis of intuition and we can be left feeling somewhat exposed to criticism as we try to explain that we did what we did because of a 'feeling'. Despite this difficulty, our intuition should be trusted.
If ever there was a time to keep your distance, this is it. Be attentive, but stay out of harm's reach until you are sure the situation is safe.
Be sure you are aware of where the exit is, and that you have as easy access to it as possible. Give some thought, prior to any incident occurring, to any alternative exit, e.g. could a receptionist escape to somewhere within the reception office by climbing over the reception counter? Try it.
Don't become too absorbed in your job. It may be important that you keep one eye on where people are, what they are doing, what potential weapons are about, etc. Hence the advantage of a colleague's company: he or she can be monitoring the safety aspects while you can be getting on with the job, or vice versa.
Adapted from the 'The New ABC of Handling Aggression', by Willie More.
Dealing with conflict during change
When dealing with colleagues or anyone else who may be coming from a different perspective to us, there is always potential for conflict. Clashes of personality, styles, and expectations can lead to anything from innocent misunderstandings to inappropriate behaviour and open hostility.
In a context of organisational change, with staff having to adopt a new working style or job-role and possibly fearing the 'sack', general ill-feeling can more easily turn into full-blown, department-wide conflict.
Yet in many situations, this scenario could have been avoided if individual members of staff had invested a bit of time in building good relationships with each other as a kind of 'pre-emptive strategy'.
As a starting point, remember that good effective communication doesn't just mean 'getting your point across'! If you want someone to consider your point of view, try taking what we call 'the third position'. To enable you to do this, take it one step at a time: The first position: YOU - your own view. People often make the mistake of getting locked into this when under pressure or trying to influence. The second position: THE OTHER PERSON - genuinely try to put yourself in their position. The third position: THE OVERVIEW - be a fly on the wall, objective and unemotional.
Only when you get to the third position, without the bias you began with, will you be able to agree a way forward and avoid a potential conflict. As an added bonus, people should be more ready to listen to you next time round, given that you respected their point of view.
Building rapport with others is like joining in their version of the world. It creates openness and makes it easier for us to communicate with them and for them to communicate with us.
As body language is such an important part of communication, a very effective technique in building rapport is 'mirroring'. If you don't seem to be 'clicking' with somebody, try matching their body position: posture, orientation, weight distribution; their speech: words and language style, tone and tempo; and their gestures: expansive arm gestures or hands in pockets. You'll know you're on the right track with someone when they start to follow you!
This takes practice of course and you don't want to make it too obvious - or people may take offence at you mimicking them! Done in a genuine way, you can't help but empathise with the person you are trying so hard to connect with.
Also consider broadening the picture. In today's multi-tasking society, each of us juggles a multitude of roles (parent, child, co-worker, partner, part-time student, ...) that all contribute to making us who we are. Yet a lot of people we encounter along our day only ever get to know us in one, maybe two of those roles. That makes it a lot easier to pigeon-hole someone and make assumptions about them, rendering true communication difficult.
So make a conscious effort to share more facets of yourself with people at work, and show an interest in their 'life outside work'. It's no surprise successful companies invest a lot of energy and effort in organising social events for their staff - it pays off in better cohesion back at work and less conflict!
Handling difficult people
The bully, the gossip, the misery, the know-it-all, the procrastinator, the silent presence, the 'I want to be everyone's friend'... We've all met them. In fact, if we are totally honest, there's probably a little of these in all of us!
Let's get one thing straight from the start: we can't change other people. We can only change how we behave towards them, which in turn will influence their behaviour. Here are some strategies that can help!
Become aware of how you react in different situations. For example, when someone is angry with you, is giving you feedback, or when you're in a tricky situation; who is in control, them or you? Do you fight back, back down or assert yourself? Can you put yourself in the other person's shoes, how they are feeling and why? Regardless of other people's behaviour, we all have a choice regarding how we react to others. Exercise your choice by 'standing back' and noticing how you feel before proceeding - that's the first step towards changing the situation for the better.
Work at being assertive. Assertive people feel good about themselves and help others to feel good to! Deal well with feedback by accepting what you feel is fair and discarding that which is not. Ignore exaggerated, judgemental and emotional feedback. Say how you feel, simply and calmly. It's ok to say 'No', to take time to think it through, or to change your mind. Express your views honestly and respect those of others. The other person has rights, and so do you! Aggressive people aim to satisfy their own needs, never those of others. Submissive people meet other people's needs, rarely their own. Assertive people look out for their and others' needs. It's a win-win!
Be a good communicator. Actively listen: show this in body-language and words. Check you've understood by reflecting back what was said and asking open questions. Ensure your non-verbal communication matches what you say. Watch the body-language of others. Express your views and feelings clearly. Use clear, concise, appropriate language and request feedback. Remember, a person is not always looking for an instant solution, often they just want to be heard!
It can be hard to say 'No' for many reasons, but saying 'No' is important to our well-being, credibility and self-confidence. Consider your approach to saying 'No'. Use slow, deep breathing and a calm voice. Listen, paraphrase and empathise with the request. Explain why it's 'Yes' or 'No' clearly and simply, several times if necessary. Suggest alternatives, but without being drawn into a debate. Use depersonalised language like 'The situation is...' rather than 'I think...'. If you've already said yes, you CAN still change your mind!
Handle conflict constructively. Take time to get to know people you are at odds with: their interests, opinions and behaviours. Encourage people to express their ideas and views assertively and constructively. Listen actively, don't judge. Accept you will not always agree with everyone. Be fair and objective. Conflict can sometimes be helpful, when under control. It can challenge people to think differently, to look for alternatives. However, prolonged conflict is draining and counter-productive.
Good luck!
